Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

My husband and I have some irreconcilable differences. For instance, when my husband drives and it is raining, he will NOT turn on the windshield wipers until he absolutely has to. It drives me crazy! I sometimes feel panic because I can't see the road. My husband says he can see just fine. I think to myself, "What the heck?! Why wouldn't you just turn the windshield wipers on? Even to the lowest setting?" To ME it seems irrational and that he has to be in control. I then begin to think that he doesn't care about me or my feelings or safety, especially after I have expressed my concerns to him and he doesn't change anything. Then I think, "What an insensitive jerk!" To HIM it seems as if I am trying to control how he drives and that I don't trust him. He sees me as nagging him. He thinks to himself, "Get off my back, harpie, and let me drive!" If our marriage is not strong these feelings can build and turn ugly. It could lead to issues of mistrust and fighting for control. It can lead to emotional distance. So how do we solve this? (By the way, we found a way to resolve this just so you don't think our marriage is on the brink of collapse.) This might seem like a small, easily resolved issue, yet couples fight over these kinds of problems all the time. What about more severe issues such as whether or not to have children and when, money management, intimacy needs, differences in personality, etc.? 

In my last post, I discussed the two types of conflict that show up in marriage. I'm going to go into more depth about perpetual problems. These are problems that stem from some fundamental differences in beliefs that are not easily changed. John M. Gottman says that we each have dreams or goals that are not so evident at times. They sometimes conflict with our partner's goals which causes conflict. Let's explore a situation to help us understand what this might look like:

EXAMPLE: One spouse wants to raise their children in a certain religion. The other spouse does not want to decide for their children and is agnostic. This can cause some serious arguments. If not dealt with effectively, it can cause GRIDLOCK, which will lead to emotional distance and then vilifying (starting to see your partner's actions as selfish and bull-headed) and justifying.

RECOGNIZING GRIDLOCK (Gottman, 2015):

• You have the same argument again and again with no resolution
• You cannot address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection
• The issue becomes increasingly polarizing
• Compromising seems impossible, you feel like you have to give up something extremely important to you that is core to what you believe or who you are

Gottman suggests that this problem really stems from hidden dreams. What could be the hidden dream behind each partner's stance? It takes stopping and really listening to your partner to find out. When you first read this situation you might have already decided that one person was right and one was wrong, but if we dig deeper and listen to their sides of the story, it is not so clear anymore. 

• WIFE: I grew up in a home where there was a lot of turmoil. Going to church, feeling loved and accepted there, is the only thing that got me through. I turned to my faith and to the Savior to give me the strength to move forward. It saved my life. I want my children to have those same tools so that they can deal with whatever challenges they might have to face.
• HUSBAND: I grew up in a loving home where my parents did not force me to go to church. They gave me the freedom to discover things on my own. I want our children to have the same experience I did and to be allowed to choose what they want to believe. I want the children to turn to us for love and support, not religion.

Is there a way to support both of these dreams and goals? 

"In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate each other's goals into their concept of what their marriage is about" (Gottman, 2015). 

YES! There is a way to support each other's goals and dreams even if they seem extremely contradictory. 

PRINCIPLE 6: Overcoming GRIDLOCK

Here are the steps for overcoming GRIDLOCK:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/overcoming-gridlocked-conflict/

Some therapists and well-meaning friends and family will tell you that in order to be happy in marriage you simply need to lower your expectations. This is not what I am talking about when I say that we must sacrifice for our marriages. You do not have to sacrifice your dreams and goals or lower your expectations. There is a way to work towards both goals. 

It will take a COMPROMISE: (Gottman calls this "The Two-Circle Method")

• Take a good look at the issue and find the areas that are non-negotiable and the areas where you have some flexibility. 
• Find common ground and come up with a temporary solution. Then try it out for a while. 
• See if any adjustments need to be made. Try again.

"Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations" (Gottman, 2015)

COUNCILS FOR COUPLES:

Elder M. Russell Ballard gave a few talks on the importance of councils. Husband-wife councils are a great way to stay in touch with each other and talk about the challenges you are working on. Here is an excellent article that talks about how to proceed with these kinds of councils. Holding them weekly is recommended.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2015/01/young-adults/counsel-together-oft-family-councils-for-couples?lang=eng 

So what are we supposed to sacrifice when it comes to marriage? 

We need to sacrifice our pride. We need to step outside of our boxes and be able to see our partner's point of view. We need to deal with the beam in our own eye. We need to seek to understand. Here are the boxes we tend to view other's from and how it affects how we see situations. ("The Anatomy of Peace", The Arbinger Institute)

"Sacrifice [must] be combined with obedience and informed by the gospel of Jesus Christ to provide an appropriate sacrifice." 

(Goddard, 2009)

The key is developing CHARITY

"Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we CHOOSE to see each other" (Goddard, 2009).

Marvin J. Ashton:

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down."

HOW DO WE OBTAIN CHARITY?

We all know that we need to love each other. We try our best to do so. Yet we are imperfect and have some deeply ingrained practices and beliefs that make it difficult to obtain charity, which is the greatest gift we can receive. It will take a lifetime to obtain, which is one reason why Heavenly Father gave us marriages and families to practice in. "...[M]arriage is God's finishing school for the godly soul. Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us" (Goddard, 2009). Just knowing that it is a gift can help us to know how to obtain it. It will take more than our own will power and determination. 

Moroni 7:48 gives us the answer:

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; 

• We must become true followers of Jesus Christ
• We must pray for this gift with ALL the energy of our hearts

Elder David A. Bednar shared that a covenant marriage is a partnership between us and Christ. As we put Christ at the center of our marriage relationship and work to become true followers, we are naturally drawn closer to each other. We need His atoning power, mercy, and grace to strengthen us and change our natures. (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng)

"Charity comes only when we humbly recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah" (Goddard, 2009).

Once we are humble and can recognize our dependence on the Messiah, we are more willing to have mercy on others. Rather than working to change our spouse, we need to work to change ourselves. We need to develop charity so that we can love our spouses as they are, see them as the Lord sees them. Accepting them as they are and communicating that acceptance is the key to liberating them to change at their own pace. It is one of life's greatest ironies. However, just because the formula is simple does not mean it is easy. 

"Love for Christ, Love from Christ, Love as Christ"

(Goddard, 2009)

How can these three dimensions of Charity bless your marriage?

Sources:

• Gottman, John, M., Ph.D. (2015) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"
• Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D. (2009) "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage"
• The Arbinger Institute (2015) "The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict"
• Bednar, David A. (2006) "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan"  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng
• Ashton, Marvin J. (1992) "The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword"  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1992/04/the-tongue-can-be-a-sharp-sword.p17?lang=eng
• https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2015/01/young-adults/counsel-together-oft-family-councils-for-couples?lang=eng
• https://www.gottman.com/blog/overcoming-gridlocked-conflict/

Perpetual vs. Solvable Problems

A marriage is a union of two individuals with their own unique opinions, personality quirks, values, and life experiences. Because of this, every marriage has its own unique set of challenges. Some marriages end because couples think that they would be happier and that things would be better if they found someone else. This is the "GRASS IS GREENER" mentality. Realistically, when you marry someone, you are choosing to commit to a particular set of challenges because EVERY MARRIAGE HAS THEM. Even if you remarry, you are committing to a different set of unique challenges. A marriage is successful to the degree that one can find ways to cope with the challenges.
                                   

Perpetual Vs. Solvable Problems

Once you are able to identify and define what your unique set of challenges are, you'll be able to come up with coping strategies that work for you.

PERPETUAL PROBLEMS:

• Problems that are not easily resolved because they stem from different core beliefs (whether or not to have children, differing perspectives on money, differences in how one feels love and connection, communication challenges, views on roles, etc.)
• 69% of marital conflicts fall under this category
• Can lead to GRIDLOCK if not dealt with effectively       

"Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don't have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive" (Gottman, 2015).           

This may come as a surprise. However, Gottman studied many couples who had these perpetual problems yet were in stable relationships. What helped them? 

• They discovered a way to cope with their problems in a way that doesn't overwhelm them
• They approach their problems with a sense of humor
• They keep acknowledging the problem, they talk about it

"Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement" (Gottman, 2015). 

TAKE COMFORT in knowing that even if you are entrenched in GRIDLOCK there IS A WAY OUT! You will need motivation and a willingness to explore the underlying issues. I will talk more about this in another post. 

SOLVABLE PROBLEMS: 

• Situational problems that don't spill over into other areas (your spouse has forgotten to take the garbage out over the last couple of weeks due to stress at work) 
• Can evolve into a perpetual, gridlocked problem if not dealt with effectively

PRINCIPLE 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

This may seem like a NO BRAINER, yet many couples do not resolve their solvable problems just because they are solvable. They also can still cause a great deal of pain. 

Here are 5 steps to Solve Your Solvable Problems:

1. Soften your Start-up
2. Learn to Make and Receive Repair Attempts
3. Soothe Yourself and Each Other (De-escalate the situation)
4. Compromise
5. Process Any Grievances so that they DO NOT LINGER (Let go and Forgive)

To read more about these steps click the link. https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-six-skills/

Things to keep in mind as you approach these steps: 

• Negative emotions are important. They hold information about how to love each other better. Pay attention and listen without feeling attacked.
• No one is RIGHT. Be open to seeing that "there is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones" (Gottman, 2015). Last week I talked about PRIDE.                                                                            
• Acceptance is crucial. "The basis for coping effectively with relationship issues, whether solvable or perpetual, is to communicate basic acceptance of your partner's personality" (Gottman, 2015).
• Focus on FONDNESS and ADMIRATION. This is CENTRAL to remaining happily married. If you need help with this, please refer back to my post "Building and Nurturing the Relationship". https://eternalmarriage1.blogspot.com/2019/05/building-and-nurturing-relationship.html

Consecration 

To dedicate, to make holy, or to become righteous

One final thought. I talked about how in a covenant marriage each partner gives 100%. (https://eternalmarriage1.blogspot.com/2019/05/building-and-nurturing-relationship.html) I think of this as consecrating ourselves to our marriage. The Law of Consecration can give us a guide as to what is expected of us in marriages as we consecrate our lives to each other and to the Lord. It states that we give our time, talents, strength, property and money to building up the Kingdom of God. Part of building up the Kingdom of God is building a righteous marriage and family. 

H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D.:
"Living the law of consecration moves us from gospel hobbyists to career disciples. ...Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve."

Elder Neal A. Maxwell: 

"Consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory. It brings release from the raucous, overpopulated cell block of selfishness and emancipation from the dark prison of pride." 

Marriage has its ups and downs. In fact, studies show that two out of three unhappily married couples who manage to stay together are happily married five years later (Waite, 2006). 

I have seen this cycle in my own marriage and I'm so grateful that I stuck with it! The joy that I feel is that much sweeter because I've tasted the bitter. My marriage is also stronger because we have overcome hard things. This also strengthens my faith that we can overcome every obstacle, every challenge, with the Lord's help. When we overcome our challenges, we can change and come closer to Christ and to each other. We have to sacrifice and offer our whole souls, lose our lives and lay them down for our marriage, but in the end, it will all be worth it! The victory will be sweeter than we can currently comprehend. 

                                         
      

SOURCES:

Gottman, John M., Ph.D. (2015) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" 

Maxwell, Neal A. (October 1992) "Settle This in Your Hearts"   https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1992/10/settle-this-in-your-hearts?lang=eng

Oaks, Dallin H. (April 2007) "Divorce" https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng&query=marriage

Linda J. Waite and others, Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages (Institute for American Values, 2002), 6; see also scholarly studies cited in Marriage and the Law: A Statement of Principles(Institute for American Values, 2006), 21.   

Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D. "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage"                              

The Impact of PRIDE on Marriage

                                               

PRIDE

President Ezra Taft Benson wrote a landmark talk on pride in 1989 ("Beware of Pride", given by President Gordon B. Hinckley, link below). It is full of profound truths. He lists the faces that pride wears. 

CONTENTION: arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, spouse abuse, divorce

SELFISHNESS: self-conceit, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, self-seeking, self-pity

Yes, self-pity and self-loathing are a form of PRIDE. Pride keeps us focused on "How everything affects me." 

If we feel that we are at the bottom looking up at others, pride may manifest in "faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous" (Benson, 1989). Whether we are looking from the top down or from the bottom up, we are judging ourselves against others. Pride says, "If you succeed then I am a failure" or "I can only be successful if others are below me". There is no room in a marriage for this kind of thinking. 

                                                         

I read "The 5 Love Languages" book a while ago. I found it interesting and thought it was helpful in that it helped me to recognize how I feel love and how to recognize ways my husband and children might need me to serve them to feel loved. However, there was something about it that bugged me for a long time. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. 

One day, I noticed that I was feeling increasingly irritated with my husband because I learned my love language is words of affirmation and my husband really struggles with giving me words of affirmation. Like, he even struggles with telling me, "I love you." It comes out awkward. I can tell he is uncomfortable, and I feel it is insincere so I feel uncomfortable. I have told him over and over I need to hear words of affirmation. Yet, he just couldn't make himself. I suggested he write it in a note. He couldn't do it, so I was feeling hurt and irritated. I was loving him the way he needed. Why couldn't he do the same for me?? 

Then the Spirit whispered to me, "WATCH". 

So I stopped feeling irritated and started watching. I started to notice all the little things he did for me. He would fill the car with gas when he knew I needed to drive it. He would warm the car and scrape the windshield in the winter before I had to go somewhere. He would change the laundry if he walked by and noticed it needed changing. He would make me lunch if I got busy doing something and didn't want to stop to eat. And it hit me. My husband was practically SHOUTING at me how much he loved me, and I couldn't hear it because I was expecting it in the way I WANTED and NEEDED. I started crying. I cried because I had wasted so much time feeling irritated. I had missed all those opportunities to feel loved and to show my appreciation to my husband.                

                                                                        THE END

"When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse...we are guilty of pride...We are saying to our spouses, 'You are not meeting my needs the way I would like them met. Don't you realize that is your job?! Your every act is to be dedicated to my happiness. Now hop to it!'...In fact, anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent." (Goddard, 2009)

We can surely tell our spouse our preferences, wants and needs. I would just caution that if your spouse does not meet those needs, please do not dwell on all the negative feelings. Focus on the positive things your spouse does and allow your spouse to change at their own pace. 

Pride gets in the way of accomplishing the fourth principle of making a marriage work from John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

PRINCIPLE 4: Let Your Spouse INFLUENCE You

Letting your spouse influence you means taking into account their ideas, opinions, and emotions. It will help you to recognize and act on "bids of affection" instead of reacting with the FOUR HORSEMEN. (See previous posts)  Here is a great article to help you understand what this looks like.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/husband-can-influential-accept-influence/

Needless to say, this goes both ways. However, statistically speaking, this tends to be more of a problem with men. Sorry men. However, the data shows that the percentage of men who are willing to let their wives influence them is rising. It is currently at 35%. "When a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct" (Gottman, 2015).

Here is a quiz to see where you are in accepting influence.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/quiz-do-you-and-your-partner-accept-each-others-influence/

Ways that PRIDE manifests itself in a relationship:

Give a spouse the "cold shoulder" or the "silent treatment"

Blaming, defensiveness.

Refusing to apologize first.

Refusing to forgive.

Bringing up a spouse's faults.

Holding grudges.

Sharing a spouse's weaknesses with others

Displaying an attitude of entitlement in the marriage.

Stubbornness or unwillingness to change.

Withholding love and affection

How do these actions get in the way of allowing one's spouse to influence them? Are there other ways pride manifests itself in a marriage? How can we overcome these tendencies?
                                           

SOURCES:

Benson, Ezra T. (1989) "Beware of Pride" https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng 

Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D. (2009) "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage"

Gottman, John, M., Ph.D. (2015) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

Turning Towards Each Other and Bids of Affection

This week I want to share a simple principle that can have a profound effect. It might not even seem like a big deal, but it is worth pondering and reflecting on what can happen if you do or do not implement this principle in your marriage.

Romantic Hollywood films would have us believe that true love is filled with passion and romance every waking minute of every day. I watch shows were there are chemistry and wonderful romance between a couple...right up to the point they get together in a committed relationship. Then inevitably the couple is shown as miserable. Does this sound familiar? This makes some of us feel that our marriages must not be going very well if we aren't feeling passion all the time, and it makes others feel that marriage is what kills love and romance. 
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. (2015, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work") suggests that real-life romance is fueled by the everyday little scenes of ordinary life. 
At first, this brought to my mind a picture of my husband and I chest deep in little children and dirty diapers. Definitely no passion or romance in that scene...But then I thought of the times we walked arm in arm through the isles of a grocery store. Or, at the end of a long, hectic day, listening to the children talk about their day over dinner as my husband and I shared private looks and smiles conveying how much we cherish those moments. 

PRINCIPLE 3: Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away
Gottman says that couples are always making "'bids' for attention, affection, humor, or support" (Gottman, 2015). If we positively respond to these "bids", we are turning toward our spouse instead of away. "A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life" (Gottman, 2015).

How could you turn toward your spouse or away from your spouse in these instances?

• Your spouse asks for a back rub...
• Your spouse asks, "Do we need peanut butter on the grocery list?"...
• You are in the middle of making dinner and your spouse comes up behind you and gives you a hug...
• Your spouse laughs when reading something funny...
• Your spouse mentions that one of her bucket-list items is to go see Donny and Marie Osmond in Vegas before their show is canceled...(I actually did this and my husband immediately bought tickets and scheduled a trip for us to go.)

It doesn't have to be a big gesture. Little gestures will lead to other gestures and they will "snowball." Do not take the everyday interactions for granted. As Gottman says, "A romantic outing only turns up the heat if a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways" (Gottman, 2015). 

 

You can also think of "laying the foundation" as making deposits into your EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT. Here are some ways to add to your emotional bank account. https://www.lessonsforlove.com/blog/relationship-challenges/255-9510-deposits-you-can-make-to-your-emotional-bank-account 

OBSTACLES: What gets in the way of couples turning toward each other?

• Bids of affection that are "hidden"- Sometimes a bid for affection is wrapped in negativity or anger. A spouse might sarcastically ask for help doing a chore which is a bid for attention. But all the other spouse hears is criticism and responds with defensiveness. How can we recognize the "hidden bids"? How can we respond positively even if the delivery was negative?
• Digital distractions- In order for a couple to turn toward each other, they each need to be aware and pay attention. Unfortunately, the culture of digital distractions hinders emotional connection. However, it is important to keep in mind that "couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice" (Gottman, 2015). How can we handle this situation if it arises without taking offense or causing more conflict?
• Are there any other obstacles that get in the way of turning towards our spouse? How does PRIDE affect us? (I will talk more about PRIDE next week.)