My last two posts have been focusing on what we can do to make sure that we, personally, are in a good place (Good Shepherd and Good Samaritan mentality). I think of it as the "Beam/Mote" principle.
"And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy [spouse's] eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? ...First cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy [spouse's] eye." (Matthew 7:3-5)
I truly believe that the first step we must take is to clear up our own perceptions that affect how we see our spouse. Only then can we work to influence that relationship with love. Once we deal with the beam in our own eye, perhaps the mote in our spouse's eye will not seem so big and insurmountable. Another principle we should consider is that we cannot force others to change, but we can work on ourselves and then become a part of the solution instead of perpetuating conflict.
This Influence Pyramid helps us see that in order to correct a problem (the very tippy-top part) there is a process we must follow to build a foundation before that can happen. (I HIGHLY recommend this book by the Arbinger Institute, "The Anatomy of Peace" to learn more about the boxes we view others from.)
Once we improve ourselves and clear our perceptions, then we need to work on building the relationship.
"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (2015) by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., says that "happy marriages are based on a deep friendship...These couples tend to know each other intimately-they are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out."
Over the next few weeks, I will share some principles that will help to BUILD the RELATIONSHIP.
PRINCIPLE 1: Enhance your LOVE MAPS by playing this game! https://intentionalmarriages.net/love-maps/
Did you know that the biblical term for sexual love is "TO KNOW"?
"Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict...Without such a love map, you can't really know your spouse. And if you don't really know someone, how can you truly love them?" (Gottman, 2015)PRINCIPLE 2: Nurture your FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION. Take the QUIZ at https://www.gottman.com/blog/fondness-and-admiration-assessment/
"Fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt" (Gottman, 2015). (See last week's post)
NOTE: Fondness and admiration are not what you DO for your spouse. This must be cultivated within yourself by thinking positive thoughts. I suggest making a list of things you appreciate about your spouse and write down examples. This will foster fondness and admiration which will then be expressed through your actions and words.
Three things I learned from trying these principles:
- My husband and I used these tools to help us see where we are in our relationship. The Love maps questions were FUN! It sparked some great conversation and helped us to reconnect intimately. There are some open-ended questions in Gottman's book that we are going to use on our date nights. This needs to be done consistently to maintain friendship since people change over time. Law of the Harvest Principle. (You cannot wait to water, feed, and weed your garden until you see the problems. It takes consistent watering, feeding and weeding to reap the fruits of your labors.)
- The Fondness and Admiration quiz really helped us to identify some problem areas that we could work on. Even if you think your marriage is pretty good, THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT.
- We need the help of the Lord through the Holy Ghost to identify what we need to work on. It is going to be different for every couple. But the Lord will tell you in your heart and in your mind what specific things you can do to improve your relationship if you will periodically ask "What lack I yet?"
https://intentionalmarriages.net/love-maps/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/fondness-and-admiration-assessment/
Gottman, John M. (2015) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"
The Arbinger Institute (2015) "The Anatomy of Peace"
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