The FOUR HORSEMEN that destroy marriage.
These are based on extensive research done by John M. Gottman, Ph.D.
(If you wish to know more, please get his book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work")
- CRITICISM: Deals in generalities, is negative, and attacks a person's personality or character. (example: "Why are you so lazy? You never do the dishes. You don't even care about me.") VERSUS COMPLAINTS: complaints are okay. They are a way of telling your spouse how you feel about something specific and what you need/want/prefer. (example: I'm really frustrated that you didn't take the garbage out last night. Could you please do that this morning?)
- CONTEMPT: Sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, name-calling, mocking, hostile humor, belligerence. These are poison to a marriage! They convey disgust. (example: "You really think you are capable of doing such a menial task? Huh?" sneering)
- DEFENSIVENESS: You may feel the need to defend yourself if you are being attacked with criticism and contempt, but it escalates an argument and is really a way of pushing the blame onto your spouse. You take the "innocent victim" stance by whining and sending the message that you are picked on, your spouse does not recognize the things you do, that you just cannot please your spouse.
- wife: "Why don't you ever take out the trash. It's only one little thing I require of you." husband: "I work hard all day. I just want to relax for a few minutes when I get home." wife: "And I DON'T work hard all day?"
- STONEWALLING: This is when one partner tunes out and will not engage in conversation. It is usually the end of the line. It comes after years of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. The spouse realizes there is no use engaging so they check out.
This does not paint a pretty picture. Fortunately, there is hope even if these four horsemen have raised their ugly head in your marriage. I addressed one of the ways we can view challenges in marriage in my post last week. I wrote about how we can be good shepherds in our marriages, but I want to take it even further by looking at the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30-37) in a new light using help from a book called "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace, Goddard, PhD.
There are three kinds of people the traveler encounters on his journey.
- The thieves which wounded the traveler and left him for dead.
- The priest and the Levite which were, "by chance," passing by, saw a man in need and passed by on the other side because they could not be inconvenienced despite it being their duty to care for the poor and wounded.
- The Samaritan who was journeying, saw someone in need, had compassion on him and was prepared to pour oil and wine on his wounds, bandage them, and take care of him.
If we use the FOUR HORSEMEN we may be perceived as being thieves, intentionally wounding our spouse and then leaving them to deal with those wounds themselves. I wish I could say that this has NEVER been me, but I have found myself in this category from time to time. (Usually when I am hangry. Just throw chocolate at me.)
Perhaps we are most often like the priest and the Levite. We know it is our duty to take care of our spouse, but we just cannot be bothered because we are busy and it would be inconvenient to take the time to stop, assess the situation and be part of the solution. Perhaps we think they brought it upon themselves. I know I have fallen into this category with my spouse, my children, and other people. I am human, matter unorganized, unrefined...
It is my goal, though, to be like the Samaritan. He was journeying, not by chance. Perhaps he traveled that road looking for those who might have fallen to thieves. His preparation in having oil and wine (sacred symbols of sacrament and healing) and bandages suggests that he was intentionally seeking to help the wounded. He let the traveler ride upon his own beast, putting aside his comfort to help someone in need.
How do I become like the Samaritan (the Savior)? How do I overcome my human tendencies?
Mosiah 3:19 gives us the answer.
"For the natural man is an enemy to God (and to our spouse), and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be forever and ever, UNLESS he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord..."
I can see myself in the first part of the parable, but I can also see myself in the second part of the parable. The Savior takes the wounded man and gives the care and ministering of him over to someone else until He returns. That can be me for my spouse and for my children. I have made covenants with the Lord that I will be the one to minister unto my spouse and family when they are wounded; physically, emotionally, spiritually.
In order to succeed in our marriages, we need to include the Savior and become like the Savior.
QUOTES:
- "...Our entire theology is geared to help us succeed as marriage companions" (Douglas E. Brinley and D.K. Judd, Living in a Covenant Marriage, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book [2004], 7.
- "If you look for a cure that ignores faith and religious doctrine, you look for a cure where it will never be found" (President Boyd K. Packer, "Families and Fences" Improvement Era, Dec. 1970
- "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" (https://www.lds.org/study/manual/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng)
Conflict in a marriage is not what destroys marriages. It is how we DEAL with conflict. How can we be more prepared to help our spouse who is in distress instead of inflicting more harm, justifying our actions, or passing by?
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