A Hireling:
- Performs conditional promise of care only when he/she receives something in return
- Each partner gives 50%
- Flees when the wolves come, more concerned with self
Shepherd:
- Leap of faith
- Keeping covenants is not based on conditions
- Each person gives their all, 100%
- Sustain and lift each other when the wolves come
- Lay down their life for their marriage a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time
I really loved this image of marriage partners laying down their life for their marriage relationship.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) I used to think this meant that I would be willing to die for someone if I loved them. But isn't it sometimes more challenging to live every day for someone? Am I willing to lay down my life (my wants, my needs, my desires) for something bigger and potentially greater? I am not advocating for no boundaries in relationships or saying that we need to give up everything for our spouse. However, marriage and family is about sacrificing some things for the greater good of the whole and not just focusing on what is in it for me.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) I used to think this meant that I would be willing to die for someone if I loved them. But isn't it sometimes more challenging to live every day for someone? Am I willing to lay down my life (my wants, my needs, my desires) for something bigger and potentially greater? I am not advocating for no boundaries in relationships or saying that we need to give up everything for our spouse. However, marriage and family is about sacrificing some things for the greater good of the whole and not just focusing on what is in it for me.
I also love this image of the Savior carrying the sheep. In a covenant marriage, both partners give 100% to the marriage. Does this always happen? I can testify from my 23 years of marriage that sometimes my 100% is not as much as my spouse's and vice versa. Sometimes I feel that I need to carry my husband through whatever trial he is experiencing. Sometimes it has been my husband carrying me through my trials. I am giving my all, but sometimes it is less than at other times. So what is 100%? Only each person and the Lord can truly know.
How do you react when a spouse is not meeting your needs in the way you wish?
Instead of viewing it as a personal affront and that your spouse intended to harm, perhaps we can view actions and words in the context that something might be happening under the surface that needs to be addressed. I have found this perspective to be helpful in dealing with my children and with other people, as well. Instead of being quick to be offended, we can be quick to be kind. Perhaps our spouse needs us to carry them for a while so they can work through some things.
Here are the three wolves listed in Elder Hafen's talk.
WOLVES:
- Natural adversity
- Own imperfections
- Excessive individualism
Have you seen how these wolves have affected marriages? Which one do you think is the most detrimental? How can we overcome these wolves?
Elder Bruce C. Hafen "Covenant Marriage" Ensign November 1996 https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1996/11/covenant-marriage?lang=eng
I agree. Also, in a marriage it doesn't matter who is "right". How people feel is really more important than what is true or right. For example, if a spouse feels hurt by something that was said, it does not matter WHAT was actually said. What matters is how it made them FEEL. Addressing the feeling is way more important than the words said. I believe this is also true with children. It doesn't matter what was said, it matters how it made them FEEL.
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