This week I want to share a simple principle that can have a profound effect. It might not even seem like a big deal, but it is worth pondering and reflecting on what can happen if you do or do not implement this principle in your marriage.
Romantic Hollywood films would have us believe that true love is filled with passion and romance every waking minute of every day. I watch shows were there are chemistry and wonderful romance between a couple...right up to the point they get together in a committed relationship. Then inevitably the couple is shown as miserable. Does this sound familiar? This makes some of us feel that our marriages must not be going very well if we aren't feeling passion all the time, and it makes others feel that marriage is what kills love and romance.
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. (2015, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work") suggests that real-life romance is fueled by the everyday little scenes of ordinary life.
At first, this brought to my mind a picture of my husband and I chest deep in little children and dirty diapers. Definitely no passion or romance in that scene...But then I thought of the times we walked arm in arm through the isles of a grocery store. Or, at the end of a long, hectic day, listening to the children talk about their day over dinner as my husband and I shared private looks and smiles conveying how much we cherish those moments.
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. (2015, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work") suggests that real-life romance is fueled by the everyday little scenes of ordinary life.
At first, this brought to my mind a picture of my husband and I chest deep in little children and dirty diapers. Definitely no passion or romance in that scene...But then I thought of the times we walked arm in arm through the isles of a grocery store. Or, at the end of a long, hectic day, listening to the children talk about their day over dinner as my husband and I shared private looks and smiles conveying how much we cherish those moments.
PRINCIPLE 3: Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away
Gottman says that couples are always making "'bids' for attention, affection, humor, or support" (Gottman, 2015). If we positively respond to these "bids", we are turning toward our spouse instead of away. "A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life" (Gottman, 2015).
How could you turn toward your spouse or away from your spouse in these instances?
Gottman says that couples are always making "'bids' for attention, affection, humor, or support" (Gottman, 2015). If we positively respond to these "bids", we are turning toward our spouse instead of away. "A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life" (Gottman, 2015).
How could you turn toward your spouse or away from your spouse in these instances?
- Your spouse asks for a back rub...
- Your spouse asks, "Do we need peanut butter on the grocery list?"...
- You are in the middle of making dinner and your spouse comes up behind you and gives you a hug...
- Your spouse laughs when reading something funny...
- Your spouse mentions that one of her bucket-list items is to go see Donny and Marie Osmond in Vegas before their show is canceled...(I actually did this and my husband immediately bought tickets and scheduled a trip for us to go.)
It doesn't have to be a big gesture. Little gestures will lead to other gestures and they will "snowball." Do not take the everyday interactions for granted. As Gottman says, "A romantic outing only turns up the heat if a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways" (Gottman, 2015).
You can also think of "laying the foundation" as making deposits into your EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT. Here are some ways to add to your emotional bank account. https://www.lessonsforlove.com/blog/relationship-challenges/255-9510-deposits-you-can-make-to-your-emotional-bank-account
OBSTACLES: What gets in the way of couples turning toward each other?
- Bids of affection that are "hidden"- Sometimes a bid for affection is wrapped in negativity or anger. A spouse might sarcastically ask for help doing a chore which is a bid for attention. But all the other spouse hears is criticism and responds with defensiveness. How can we recognize the "hidden bids"? How can we respond positively even if the delivery was negative?
- Digital distractions- In order for a couple to turn toward each other, they each need to be aware and pay attention. Unfortunately, the culture of digital distractions hinders emotional connection. However, it is important to keep in mind that "couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice" (Gottman, 2015). How can we handle this situation if it arises without taking offense or causing more conflict?
- Are there any other obstacles that get in the way of turning towards our spouse? How does PRIDE affect us? (I will talk more about PRIDE next week.)
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