Sexual Intimacy and Fidelity in marriage. It's a BIG topic. I cannot cover it adequately in one blog post. I want to hit some key ideas, though, to get you thinking.
My knowledge of sexual intimacy in marriage was based on television and movies along with the admonition from parents and Church leaders to NOT participate it in until I was married. My mother made me a beautiful book that talked about Chastity and gave it to me when I was eight. That was it. I was eight and so even though I perused the book, I did not really get much out of it. There were some lovely pictures, though. (Thank you, mom! I love it and still have it.)
I knew how sex basically worked, but I never really understood how it could be beneficial except for pleasure and to have children. Mostly the thing that stood out to me was that it was bad, bad, bad. Then my wedding day happened...
All of a sudden people were teasing me about the wedding night and telling me horror stories of their first experience. My dad told me he expected grandchildren and even got our wedding night hotel room. He put signs all over the room saying "Not yet!" On the bed was a sign saying, "NOW! Baby Tolman due April 26, 1997" (That was nine months from our wedding day. Ironically, we had our first baby on May 23, 1997, and then couldn't stop having children for the next 11 years. We swear my dad did a fertility dance in our hotel room.) Needless to say, it was ......weird. This was my dad who freaked out when he saw me chastely kiss my boyfriend good night when I was 18 years old. I kind of freaked out because I had this big GREEN LIGHT and I was not sure how I felt about that. I hadn't developed a healthy perspective on sex. Now we have nine children so clearly we figured it out.
President Spencer W. Kimball, quoting Billy Graham, Ensign, May 1974:
2. Sexual intimacy is about more than having sex. I mentioned in another post that the biblical term for sexual love is "to KNOW." "A good marriage can survive without sexuality...But this intimate aspect of 'knowing' each other contributes to the wholeness of the marriage relationship" (Brad A. Barlow). Emotional Intimacy comes from developing our "Love Maps"(see my previous post). Emotional intimacy is what makes physical intimacy so special. So if you want to spice up the physical aspect of your marriage, enhance your emotional intimacy. Sexual relations are a symbol of what a marriage relationship should be.
"The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes it plain that God Himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be 'one flesh' was as important as his command to 'be fruitful and multiply.'
Wendy Watson Nelson, Worldwide Devotionals, 2017, "Love and Marriage" https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/broadcasts/article/worldwide-devotionals/2017/01/love-and-marriage?lang=eng:
3. Matters of physical intimacy should be discussed as freely as finances, children, recreational activities, etc. within a marriage relationship. Brent A. Barlow found that couples rarely talk about this aspect of their marriage because they assume that it "should just 'naturally' work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong." https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/1987/06/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng
"Marital intimacy is ordained by God. It is commanded and commended by Him because it draws a husband and wife closer together and closer to the Lord! True marital intimacy involves the whole soul of each spouse. It is the uniting of the body and the spirit of the husband with the body and the spirit of his wife. That soulful union represents just how united a husband and wife are in ALL areas of their lives. They work together as partners. They pray, play, struggle, grow, and enjoy life together. They sacrifice for each other and encourage each other to be all they were born to be." (emphasis added)
President Hugh B. Brown (You and Your Marriage, 1960. p. 76):
"Many marriages have been wrecked on the dangerous rocks of ignorant and debased sex behavior, both before and after marriage. Gross ignorance on the part of newlyweds on the subject of the proper place and functioning of sex results in much unhappiness and many broken homes...If they who contemplate this most glorifying and intimate of all human relationships would seek to qualify for its responsibilities, ...if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage, ...much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided."
"Ignorance is the first enemy of sexual fulfillment in marriage...I am convinced that ignorance is perhaps the most costly deficiency when it comes to sexual fulfillment between marital partners. A failure to understand your own body, your partner's responses, and the essential ingredients of a healthy sexual relationship quickly becomes a failure to find sexual satisfaction as a married couple. Problems in this area of a marriage relationship can severely impact couple communication and caring, and leads often to insecurity, anxiety, frustration, anger, emotional alienation, and even divorce." (Sean E. Brotherson, "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" http://www.familylifeeducation.org/gilliland/procgroup/Stewardship.htm)
4. We need to talk about the positive aspects and purposes of sexual intimacy with our children well before they are married. Perhaps we never had a good role model to show us how to talk to our children about sex. Perhaps we are afraid that to discuss sex with our children is to encourage them to try it. Perhaps we are uncomfortable talking about it because we haven't figured it out in our own marriage. Perhaps we don't know what is appropriate to discuss. What I do know is that if we aren't helping our children understand the purpose and beauty of sexual intimacy, the world certainly WILL educate them.
President Hugh B. Brown (You and Your Marriage, 1960. p. 73, 76):
"Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose...We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly that it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose."
What is appropriate conduct within a marriage? How can it be misused?
Brent A. Barlow explained that some "people have become so obsessed with achieving pleasure that the emotion of love is all but forgotten. Still others use sexuality as a weapon or a bargaining tool. This is not only a misuse of a God-given privilege, it shows great selfishness on the part of one or both partners and makes sexuality a destructive rather than a unifying element in marriage."
Misused Physical Intimacy
Prophets have instructed us on what is and is not appropriate in marriage. I was ignorant about what was appropriate after I was married. Some people claim that after marriage, anything goes. I wanted to know more but I didn't know where to look or who to trust and felt ridiculous having to seek answers even after being married for so many years.
Once I started seeking, I found a mountain of information from the right places. This is just the very tip of the iceberg.
President David O. McKay
- “Let us instruct young people who come to us, first, young men throughout the Church, to know that a woman should be queen of her own body. The marriage covenant does not give the man the right to enslave her, or to abuse her, or to use her merely for the gratification of his passion. Your marriage ceremony does not give you that right” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1952, 86).
President Spencer W. Kimball
- “If it is unnatural, you just don’t do it. That is all, and all the family life should be kept clean and worthy and on a very high plane. There are some people who have said that behind the bedroom doors anything goes. That is not true and the Lord would not condone it” (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 312).
- “We urge, with Peter, ‘. . . Abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul.’ (1 Pet. 2:11.) No indecent exposure or pornography or other aberrations to defile the mind and spirit. No fondling of bodies, one’s own or that of others, and no sex between persons except in proper marriage relationships. This is positively prohibited by our Creator in all places, at all times, and we reaffirm it. Even in marriage there can be some excesses and distortions. No amount of rationalization to the contrary can satisfy a disappointed Father in heaven” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1974, 8–9; or Ensign, May 1974, 7).
President Howard W. Hunter
- “Keep yourselves above any domineering or unworthy behavior in the tender, intimate relationship between husband and wife. Because marriage is ordained of God, the intimate relationship between husbands and wives is good and honorable in the eyes of God. He has commanded that they be one flesh and that they multiply and replenish the earth (see Moses 2:28; 3:24). You are to love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for it (see Ephesians 5:25–31).
- “Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 68; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51).
Elder Spencer W. Kimball
- “Even though sex can be an important and satisfactory part of married life, we must remember that life is not designed just for sex. Even marriage does not make proper certain extremes in sexual indulgence. To the Ephesian saints Paul begged for propriety in marriage: ‘So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.’ (Eph. 5:28.) And perhaps the Lord’s condemnation included secret sexual sins in marriage, when he said: ‘. . . And those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God.’ (D&C 132:52.)” (Miracle of Forgiveness, 73).
Elder David A. Bednar
- “Marital status in and of itself does not exempt or automatically protect a man or a woman from temptations related to the law of chastity. Furthermore, there are also bounds for the appropriate expression of love between a husband and a wife. Dignity, purity, and mutual acceptability ought to characterize our most intimate relationships. The more we stray from the simple in our expression of affection, the closer we approach the perverted. Loyalty to your spouse, consideration, and, most importantly, the whisperings of the Holy Ghost will help you know what is right to recognize the path that will lead you away from temptation.” (“Moral Purity,” BYU-I Dev., Jan. 7, 2003)
FIDELITY
It is within the context of what real intimacy is and its divine purpose that we understand why fidelity is so important.
"Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact-but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife"
(Kenneth W. Matheson, "Fidelity in Marriage")
I highly suggest reading this entire article. It takes you through one couple's story to help you recognize the steps we sometimes take unknowingly away from our spouse and the steps we need to take to get back.
"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shall cleave unto her and none else."
D&C 42:22
Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle:
"And when the Lord says ALL thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving...The words NONE ELSE eliminate EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."
"For true marital intimacy, the Holy Ghost needs to be involved. It is simply NOT POSSIBLE to have the kind of intimate experiences outside of marriage that you can have within because the Spirit will not be present.
Elder Parley P. Pratt taught the Holy Ghost has the ability to increase, enlarge, expand, and purify 'all the natural passions and affections' (Parley P. Pratt, Key to the Science of Theology (1978), 61)...
Therefore, anything that invites the Spirit into your life, and into the life of your spouse and your marriage, will increase your ability to experience marital intimacy...On the other hand, anything that offends the Spirit will decrease your ability to be one with your spouse.
Things such as anger, lust, unforgiveness, contention, immorality, and unrepented sin will reduce your attempt for marital intimacy to be something that is nothing more than a sexual experience."
RECOMMENDED READING:
- All of the articles I referenced in my post. Click on the links above.
- The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. Excellent, Christian-based book on sexual love in marriage, frank and wholesome. Great for engaged or newlywed couples, as well as couples at any other stage of marriage.
- Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley. Solid and interesting perspective on marital intimacy from a Latter-day Saint gospel perspective. Very good resource.
- Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat. Book by a Christian MD and therapist with his wife, very insightful and well-done.
- The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. Well-known therapist and marriage educator has written an engaging and positive book about dealing with sexual challenges in marriage. Brand new, a great read.
- Purity and Passion by Wendy Watson. BYU professor and marital therapist has written a book on intimacy grounded in gospel understanding and purpose. Nice resource.
- Couple Sexual Awareness or Sexual Awareness: Couple Sexuality for the Twenty-first Century or Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages, all by Barry and Emily McCarthy. These are well-written, practical guides on sexual intimacy for couples by a well-recognized sex therapist and his spouse.
Here is a cool video about the physical aspect of how our bodies work to help us become one in physical intimacy! It is amazing!
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