My husband and I have some irreconcilable differences. For instance, when my husband drives and it is raining, he will NOT turn on the windshield wipers until he absolutely has to. It drives me crazy! I sometimes feel panic because I can't see the road. My husband says he can see just fine. I think to myself, "What the heck?! Why wouldn't you just turn the windshield wipers on? Even to the lowest setting?" To ME it seems irrational and that he has to be in control. I then begin to think that he doesn't care about me or my feelings or safety, especially after I have expressed my concerns to him and he doesn't change anything. Then I think, "What an insensitive jerk!" To HIM it seems as if I am trying to control how he drives and that I don't trust him. He sees me as nagging him. He thinks to himself, "Get off my back, harpie, and let me drive!" If our marriage is not strong these feelings can build and turn ugly. It could lead to issues of mistrust and fighting for control. It can lead to emotional distance. So how do we solve this? (By the way, we found a way to resolve this just so you don't think our marriage is on the brink of collapse.) This might seem like a small, easily resolved issue, yet couples fight over these kinds of problems all the time. What about more severe issues such as whether or not to have children and when, money management, intimacy needs, differences in personality, etc.?
In my last post, I discussed the two types of conflict that show up in marriage. I'm going to go into more depth about perpetual problems. These are problems that stem from some fundamental differences in beliefs that are not easily changed. John M. Gottman says that we each have dreams or goals that are not so evident at times. They sometimes conflict with our partner's goals which causes conflict. Let's explore a situation to help us understand what this might look like:
EXAMPLE: One spouse wants to raise their children in a certain religion. The other spouse does not want to decide for their children and is agnostic. This can cause some serious arguments. If not dealt with effectively, it can cause GRIDLOCK, which will lead to emotional distance and then vilifying (starting to see your partner's actions as selfish and bull-headed) and justifying.
RECOGNIZING GRIDLOCK (Gottman, 2015):
- You have the same argument again and again with no resolution
- You cannot address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection
- The issue becomes increasingly polarizing
- Compromising seems impossible, you feel like you have to give up something extremely important to you that is core to what you believe or who you are
Gottman suggests that this problem really stems from hidden dreams. What could be the hidden dream behind each partner's stance? It takes stopping and really listening to your partner to find out. When you first read this situation you might have already decided that one person was right and one was wrong, but if we dig deeper and listen to their sides of the story, it is not so clear anymore.
- WIFE: I grew up in a home where there was a lot of turmoil. Going to church, feeling loved and accepted there, is the only thing that got me through. I turned to my faith and to the Savior to give me the strength to move forward. It saved my life. I want my children to have those same tools so that they can deal with whatever challenges they might have to face.
- HUSBAND: I grew up in a loving home where my parents did not force me to go to church. They gave me the freedom to discover things on my own. I want our children to have the same experience I did and to be allowed to choose what they want to believe. I want the children to turn to us for love and support, not religion.
Is there a way to support both of these dreams and goals?
"In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate each other's goals into their concept of what their marriage is about" (Gottman, 2015).
YES! There is a way to support each other's goals and dreams even if they seem extremely contradictory.
PRINCIPLE 6: Overcoming GRIDLOCK
Here are the steps for overcoming GRIDLOCK:
Some therapists and well-meaning friends and family will tell you that in order to be happy in marriage you simply need to lower your expectations. This is not what I am talking about when I say that we must sacrifice for our marriages. You do not have to sacrifice your dreams and goals or lower your expectations. There is a way to work towards both goals.
It will take a COMPROMISE: (Gottman calls this "The Two-Circle Method")
- Take a good look at the issue and find the areas that are non-negotiable and the areas where you have some flexibility.
- Find common ground and come up with a temporary solution. Then try it out for a while.
- See if any adjustments need to be made. Try again.
"Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations" (Gottman, 2015)
COUNCILS FOR COUPLES:
Elder M. Russell Ballard gave a few talks on the importance of councils. Husband-wife councils are a great way to stay in touch with each other and talk about the challenges you are working on. Here is an excellent article that talks about how to proceed with these kinds of councils. Holding them weekly is recommended.
So what are we supposed to sacrifice when it comes to marriage?
We need to sacrifice our pride. We need to step outside of our boxes and be able to see our partner's point of view. We need to deal with the beam in our own eye. We need to seek to understand. Here are the boxes we tend to view other's from and how it affects how we see situations. ("The Anatomy of Peace", The Arbinger Institute)
"Sacrifice [must] be combined with obedience and informed by the gospel of Jesus Christ to provide an appropriate sacrifice."
(Goddard, 2009)
The key is developing CHARITY
"Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we CHOOSE to see each other" (Goddard, 2009).
Marvin J. Ashton:
"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down."
HOW DO WE OBTAIN CHARITY?
We all know that we need to love each other. We try our best to do so. Yet we are imperfect and have some deeply ingrained practices and beliefs that make it difficult to obtain charity, which is the greatest gift we can receive. It will take a lifetime to obtain, which is one reason why Heavenly Father gave us marriages and families to practice in. "...[M]arriage is God's finishing school for the godly soul. Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us" (Goddard, 2009). Just knowing that it is a gift can help us to know how to obtain it. It will take more than our own will power and determination.
Moroni 7:48 gives us the answer:
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God;
- We must become true followers of Jesus Christ
- We must pray for this gift with ALL the energy of our hearts
Elder David A. Bednar shared that a covenant marriage is a partnership between us and Christ. As we put Christ at the center of our marriage relationship and work to become true followers, we are naturally drawn closer to each other. We need His atoning power, mercy, and grace to strengthen us and change our natures. (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng)
"Charity comes only when we humbly recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah" (Goddard, 2009).
Once we are humble and can recognize our dependence on the Messiah, we are more willing to have mercy on others. Rather than working to change our spouse, we need to work to change ourselves. We need to develop charity so that we can love our spouses as they are, see them as the Lord sees them. Accepting them as they are and communicating that acceptance is the key to liberating them to change at their own pace. It is one of life's greatest ironies. However, just because the formula is simple does not mean it is easy.
"Love for Christ, Love from Christ, Love as Christ"
(Goddard, 2009)
How can these three dimensions of Charity bless your marriage?
Sources:
- Gottman, John, M., Ph.D. (2015) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"
- Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D. (2009) "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage"
- The Arbinger Institute (2015) "The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict"
- Bednar, David A. (2006) "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan" https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng
- Ashton, Marvin J. (1992) "The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword" https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1992/04/the-tongue-can-be-a-sharp-sword.p17?lang=eng
- https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2015/01/young-adults/counsel-together-oft-family-councils-for-couples?lang=eng
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