Perpetual vs. Solvable Problems

A marriage is a union of two individuals with their own unique opinions, personality quirks, values, and life experiences. Because of this, every marriage has its own unique set of challenges. Some marriages end because couples think that they would be happier and that things would be better if they found someone else. This is the "GRASS IS GREENER" mentality. Realistically, when you marry someone, you are choosing to commit to a particular set of challenges because EVERY MARRIAGE HAS THEM. Even if you remarry, you are committing to a different set of unique challenges. A marriage is successful to the degree that one can find ways to cope with the challenges.
                                   

Perpetual Vs. Solvable Problems

Once you are able to identify and define what your unique set of challenges are, you'll be able to come up with coping strategies that work for you.

PERPETUAL PROBLEMS:

• Problems that are not easily resolved because they stem from different core beliefs (whether or not to have children, differing perspectives on money, differences in how one feels love and connection, communication challenges, views on roles, etc.)
• 69% of marital conflicts fall under this category
• Can lead to GRIDLOCK if not dealt with effectively       

"Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don't have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive" (Gottman, 2015).           

This may come as a surprise. However, Gottman studied many couples who had these perpetual problems yet were in stable relationships. What helped them? 

• They discovered a way to cope with their problems in a way that doesn't overwhelm them
• They approach their problems with a sense of humor
• They keep acknowledging the problem, they talk about it

"Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement" (Gottman, 2015). 

TAKE COMFORT in knowing that even if you are entrenched in GRIDLOCK there IS A WAY OUT! You will need motivation and a willingness to explore the underlying issues. I will talk more about this in another post. 

SOLVABLE PROBLEMS: 

• Situational problems that don't spill over into other areas (your spouse has forgotten to take the garbage out over the last couple of weeks due to stress at work) 
• Can evolve into a perpetual, gridlocked problem if not dealt with effectively

PRINCIPLE 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

This may seem like a NO BRAINER, yet many couples do not resolve their solvable problems just because they are solvable. They also can still cause a great deal of pain. 

Here are 5 steps to Solve Your Solvable Problems:

1. Soften your Start-up
2. Learn to Make and Receive Repair Attempts
3. Soothe Yourself and Each Other (De-escalate the situation)
4. Compromise
5. Process Any Grievances so that they DO NOT LINGER (Let go and Forgive)

To read more about these steps click the link. https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-six-skills/

Things to keep in mind as you approach these steps: 

• Negative emotions are important. They hold information about how to love each other better. Pay attention and listen without feeling attacked.
• No one is RIGHT. Be open to seeing that "there is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones" (Gottman, 2015). Last week I talked about PRIDE.                                                                            
• Acceptance is crucial. "The basis for coping effectively with relationship issues, whether solvable or perpetual, is to communicate basic acceptance of your partner's personality" (Gottman, 2015).
• Focus on FONDNESS and ADMIRATION. This is CENTRAL to remaining happily married. If you need help with this, please refer back to my post "Building and Nurturing the Relationship". https://eternalmarriage1.blogspot.com/2019/05/building-and-nurturing-relationship.html

Consecration 

To dedicate, to make holy, or to become righteous

One final thought. I talked about how in a covenant marriage each partner gives 100%. (https://eternalmarriage1.blogspot.com/2019/05/building-and-nurturing-relationship.html) I think of this as consecrating ourselves to our marriage. The Law of Consecration can give us a guide as to what is expected of us in marriages as we consecrate our lives to each other and to the Lord. It states that we give our time, talents, strength, property and money to building up the Kingdom of God. Part of building up the Kingdom of God is building a righteous marriage and family. 

H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D.:
"Living the law of consecration moves us from gospel hobbyists to career disciples. ...Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve."

Elder Neal A. Maxwell: 

"Consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory. It brings release from the raucous, overpopulated cell block of selfishness and emancipation from the dark prison of pride." 

Marriage has its ups and downs. In fact, studies show that two out of three unhappily married couples who manage to stay together are happily married five years later (Waite, 2006). 

I have seen this cycle in my own marriage and I'm so grateful that I stuck with it! The joy that I feel is that much sweeter because I've tasted the bitter. My marriage is also stronger because we have overcome hard things. This also strengthens my faith that we can overcome every obstacle, every challenge, with the Lord's help. When we overcome our challenges, we can change and come closer to Christ and to each other. We have to sacrifice and offer our whole souls, lose our lives and lay them down for our marriage, but in the end, it will all be worth it! The victory will be sweeter than we can currently comprehend. 

                                         
      

SOURCES:

Gottman, John M., Ph.D. (2015) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" 

Maxwell, Neal A. (October 1992) "Settle This in Your Hearts"   https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1992/10/settle-this-in-your-hearts?lang=eng

Oaks, Dallin H. (April 2007) "Divorce" https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng&query=marriage

Linda J. Waite and others, Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages (Institute for American Values, 2002), 6; see also scholarly studies cited in Marriage and the Law: A Statement of Principles(Institute for American Values, 2006), 21.   

Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D. "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage"