This commandment to be "one flesh" was given to Adam and Eve. Last week I talked about how physical intimacy plays a role in becoming one and should also be SYMBOLIC of every aspect of our relationship. The adversary does not want us to be one. He wants to spread seeds of discord and contention. He wants to divide us and isolate us so that he can conquer us.
I have been pondering on Adam and Eve and what we know about their experiences. It recently hit me that Satan was able to find them alone in the Garden of Eden to tempt them each separately to eat the forbidden fruit. Adam did not consult with Eve and warn her about the creepy snake that tried to get him to eat the forbidden fruit, and Eve chose to eat the fruit on her own without consulting or counseling with her husband about why and what that meant for them. Adam then had to make the decision to eat the fruit in order to remain with his wife and to keep the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth. Now we know this was necessary for the Father's plan to move forward, but perhaps there is a lesson in this for us as husbands and wives.
After Adam and Eve were sent out of the Garden, we read that they labored, called upon the name of God, sacrificed, and taught their children about God and His plan TOGETHER (Moses 5:1-12). Perhaps they had learned a fundamental lesson "by their own experience" in the Garden about what it means to be ONE.
What does the Power Relationship look like in your marriage? Is there one person who makes the majority of the decisions? Or do you counsel together and come to a decision together?
The marital relationship should be a partnership
Miller, Richard B., Ph.D. Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families
BYU Conference on Family Life
- "Research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership" (Richard B. Miller, Ph.D., 2008).
- "When a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct" (Gottman, 2015).
These research findings support doctrines found in the gospel.
1. Husbands and wives are equal: Numerous prophets have counseled that husbands and wives are equal and should not exercise dominion over each other.
President Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, August 1992, p. 6:
"Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have."
2. Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals: EQUAL does not mean "the SAME". Our roles are clearly outlined in the Family Proclamation.
"The Family: A Proclamation to the World" 1995:
"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."
Some might get upset at these clearly defined roles. One thing I love about the gospel is that we are given doctrine and principles and then left to use our agency to figure out how to make those principles work in our own unique circumstances. President Dallin H. Oaks taught that his role is to teach the ideal. However, he acknowledges "there are some exceptions to the rules. ...Whether an exception applies to you or not is your responsibility. You must work that out individually between you and the Lord" (Oaks, 2005).
The Family Proclamation also acknowledges this by stating, "Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." However, our goal is to aim for the ideal and then do the best we can.
3. A Husband's role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family:
Unfortunately, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there has been a misconception that holding the power of the Priesthood means that the husband is greater than his wife. Some wives even believe this. Jesus Christ, who I consider being the greatest among us, showed us by example that those who are greatest among us should be servants (Matthew 23). He washed His disciples' feet, which was considered a lowly and menial task, to drive that point home (John 13).
President Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, May 1996:
"Priesthood is not given for the honor or aggrandizement of man, but for the ministry of service among those for whom the bearers of that sacred commission are called to labor."
D&C 121:41-42:
41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile
4. Husbands and wives work together as partners: What does it look like to work together as partners? I can tell you that my husband and I have a bit of work to do in this area...
So...here is the dirt. My husband and I both grew up in big families and had to work at young ages to pay for our needs. We became very self-reliant adults. Because of this, it has been very difficult for us to think about including the other person in major decisions. In one respect, it is good that we are both this way. If it was one-sided, it would probably cause some serious problems. Let me give you some examples of things we have decided on our own to give you some context.
- One time, I felt the Spirit tell me that we needed to have another child even though we had decided we were done at six. We even gave away all of our baby stuff. But the Spirit prompted me, so I knew that it needed to be. I went off birth control without talking to my husband and told him when I was pregnant that "by the way, we're having another baby" not even considering the possibility that he might have a problem with it. It would affect our finances and our family dynamic, but did I care? Nope. Fortunately, my husband is an awesome guy and he was like, "Okay."
- My husband has purchased cars and cruise vacations for the family without telling me. He also refinanced our house without telling me until he asked me to sign some paperwork. When I asked why he needed my signature, he finally explained to me what he was doing. There have been many instances like this where finances are concerned. I laughed and said, "We really need to communicate better."
Aren't we the worst??? We are working on it. I like to think of this pattern as showing how much trust we place in each other to do the best thing for our family and that we follow the promptings of the Spirit without questioning, but really, we are just independent and NOT good at living this principle.
President Marion G. Romney, Ensign, March 1978:
"[Husbands and wives] should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration. Neither should plan or follow an individual course of action. They should consult, pray, and decide TOGETHER..." (Emphasis added and OOPS!)
"In a marriage companionship, there is neither inferiority nor superiority.
The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman.
They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey"
Gordon B. Hinckley
Sources:
Miller, Richard B., Ph.D. (March 28, 2008) Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families. BYU Conference on Family Life
Oaks, Dallin H. (2005) Dating versus Hanging Out https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng
Hinckley, Gordon B. (1992) This I Believe https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/gordon-b-hinckley_believe-2/
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