BUILDING and NURTURING THE RELATIONSHIP

My last two posts have been focusing on what we can do to make sure that we, personally, are in a good place (Good Shepherd and Good Samaritan mentality). I think of it as the "Beam/Mote" principle.
                                           

"And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy [spouse's] eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? ...First cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy [spouse's] eye."  (Matthew 7:3-5)

I truly believe that the first step we must take is to clear up our own perceptions that affect how we see our spouse. Only then can we work to influence that relationship with love. Once we deal with the beam in our own eye, perhaps the mote in our spouse's eye will not seem so big and insurmountable. Another principle we should consider is that we cannot force others to change, but we can work on ourselves and then become a part of the solution instead of perpetuating conflict.
                                       

This Influence Pyramid helps us see that in order to correct a problem (the very tippy-top part) there is a process we must follow to build a foundation before that can happen. (I HIGHLY recommend this book by the Arbinger Institute, "The Anatomy of Peace" to learn more about the boxes we view others from.)
Once we improve ourselves and clear our perceptions, then we need to work on building the relationship.
"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (2015) by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., says that "happy marriages are based on a deep friendship...These couples tend to know each other intimately-they are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out."

Over the next few weeks, I will share some principles that will help to BUILD the RELATIONSHIP.

PRINCIPLE 1: Enhance your LOVE MAPS by playing this game!   https://intentionalmarriages.net/love-maps/

Did you know that the biblical term for sexual love is "TO KNOW"?

"Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict...Without such a love map, you can't really know your spouse. And if you don't really know someone, how can you truly love them?" (Gottman, 2015)

PRINCIPLE 2: Nurture your FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION. Take the QUIZ at https://www.gottman.com/blog/fondness-and-admiration-assessment/
"Fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt" (Gottman, 2015). (See last week's post)
NOTE: Fondness and admiration are not what you DO for your spouse. This must be cultivated within yourself by thinking positive thoughts. I suggest making a list of things you appreciate about your spouse and write down examples. This will foster fondness and admiration which will then be expressed through your actions and words.

Three things I learned from trying these principles:

• My husband and I used these tools to help us see where we are in our relationship. The Love maps questions were FUN! It sparked some great conversation and helped us to reconnect intimately. There are some open-ended questions in Gottman's book that we are going to use on our date nights. This needs to be done consistently to maintain friendship since people change over time. Law of the Harvest Principle. (You cannot wait to water, feed, and weed your garden until you see the problems. It takes consistent watering, feeding and weeding to reap the fruits of your labors.)
• The Fondness and Admiration quiz really helped us to identify some problem areas that we could work on. Even if you think your marriage is pretty good, THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT.  
• We need the help of the Lord through the Holy Ghost to identify what we need to work on. It is going to be different for every couple. But the Lord will tell you in your heart and in your mind what specific things you can do to improve your relationship if you will periodically ask "What lack I yet?"

https://intentionalmarriages.net/love-maps/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/fondness-and-admiration-assessment/
Gottman, John M. (2015) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"
The Arbinger Institute (2015) "The Anatomy of Peace"

The FOUR HORSEMEN of Marriage and The Good Samaritan

                                                 

The FOUR HORSEMEN that destroy marriage. 

These are based on extensive research done by John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

(If you wish to know more, please get his book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work")

• CRITICISM: Deals in generalities, is negative, and attacks a person's personality or character. (example: "Why are you so lazy? You never do the dishes. You don't even care about me.") VERSUS COMPLAINTS: complaints are okay. They are a way of telling your spouse how you feel about something specific and what you need/want/prefer. (example: I'm really frustrated that you didn't take the garbage out last night. Could you please do that this morning?)
• CONTEMPT: Sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, name-calling, mocking, hostile humor, belligerence. These are poison to a marriage! They convey disgust.                                        (example: "You really think you are capable of doing such a menial task? Huh?" sneering)
• DEFENSIVENESS: You may feel the need to defend yourself if you are being attacked with criticism and contempt, but it escalates an argument and is really a way of pushing the blame onto your spouse. You take the "innocent victim" stance by whining and sending the message that you are picked on, your spouse does not recognize the things you do, that you just cannot please your spouse.       
• wife: "Why don't you ever take out the trash. It's only one little thing I require of you." husband: "I work hard all day. I just want to relax for a few minutes when I get home."   wife: "And I DON'T work hard all day?" 
• STONEWALLING: This is when one partner tunes out and will not engage in conversation. It is usually the end of the line. It comes after years of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. The spouse realizes there is no use engaging so they check out. 

This does not paint a pretty picture. Fortunately, there is hope even if these four horsemen have raised their ugly head in your marriage. I addressed one of the ways we can view challenges in marriage in my post last week. I wrote about how we can be good shepherds in our marriages, but I want to take it even further by looking at the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30-37) in a new light using help from a book called "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace, Goddard, PhD.

                                                        

There are three kinds of people the traveler encounters on his journey. 

1. The thieves which wounded the traveler and left him for dead. 
2. The priest and the Levite which were, "by chance," passing by, saw a man in need and passed by on the other side because they could not be inconvenienced despite it being their duty to care for the poor and wounded. 
3. The Samaritan who was journeying, saw someone in need, had compassion on him and was prepared to pour oil and wine on his wounds, bandage them, and take care of him.

In the context of marriage, which person are we in this scenario when we come upon a fellow traveler, even our own spouse?

If we use the FOUR HORSEMEN we may be perceived as being thieves, intentionally wounding our spouse and then leaving them to deal with those wounds themselves. I wish I could say that this has NEVER been me, but I have found myself in this category from time to time. (Usually when I am hangry. Just throw chocolate at me.) 

Perhaps we are most often like the priest and the Levite. We know it is our duty to take care of our spouse, but we just cannot be bothered because we are busy and it would be inconvenient to take the time to stop, assess the situation and be part of the solution. Perhaps we think they brought it upon themselves. I know I have fallen into this category with my spouse, my children, and other people. I am human, matter unorganized, unrefined... 

It is my goal, though, to be like the Samaritan. He was journeying, not by chance. Perhaps he traveled that road looking for those who might have fallen to thieves. His preparation in having oil and wine (sacred symbols of sacrament and healing) and bandages suggests that he was intentionally seeking to help the wounded. He let the traveler ride upon his own beast, putting aside his comfort to help someone in need. 

How do I become like the Samaritan (the Savior)? How do I overcome my human tendencies? 

Mosiah 3:19 gives us the answer. 

"For the natural man is an enemy to God (and to our spouse), and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be forever and ever, UNLESS he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord..."

I can see myself in the first part of the parable, but I can also see myself in the second part of the parable. The Savior takes the wounded man and gives the care and ministering of him over to someone else until He returns. That can be me for my spouse and for my children. I have made covenants with the Lord that I will be the one to minister unto my spouse and family when they are wounded; physically, emotionally, spiritually. 

In order to succeed in our marriages, we need to include the Savior and become like the Savior.

QUOTES:

• "...Our entire theology is geared to help us succeed as marriage companions" (Douglas E. Brinley and D.K. Judd, Living in a Covenant Marriage, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book [2004], 7.
• "If you look for a cure that ignores faith and religious doctrine, you look for a cure where it will never be found" (President Boyd K. Packer, "Families and Fences" Improvement Era, Dec. 1970
• "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" (https://www.lds.org/study/manual/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng)

Conflict in a marriage is not what destroys marriages. It is how we DEAL with conflict. How can we be more prepared to help our spouse who is in distress instead of inflicting more harm, justifying our actions, or passing by?

Contract Marriage vs. Covenant Marriage

Elder Bruce C. Hafen ("Covenant Marriage," Ensign, November 1996) talks about the difference between a contract marriage and a covenant marriage by likening the marriage relationship to a hireling who watches over THE sheep versus the Good Shepherd who watches over HIS sheep. (John 10:12-15)
                                                     
A Hireling:

• Performs conditional promise of care only when he/she receives something in return
• Each partner gives 50%
• Flees when the wolves come, more concerned with self

Shepherd:

• Leap of faith
• Keeping covenants is not based on conditions
• Each person gives their all, 100%
• Sustain and lift each other when the wolves come
• Lay down their life for their marriage a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time 

I really loved this image of marriage partners laying down their life for their marriage relationship.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) I used to think this meant that I would be willing to die for someone if I loved them. But isn't it sometimes more challenging to live every day for someone? Am I willing to lay down my life (my wants, my needs, my desires) for something bigger and potentially greater? I am not advocating for no boundaries in relationships or saying that we need to give up everything for our spouse. However, marriage and family is about sacrificing some things for the greater good of the whole and not just focusing on what is in it for me. 

I also love this image of the Savior carrying the sheep. In a covenant marriage, both partners give 100% to the marriage. Does this always happen? I can testify from my 23 years of marriage that sometimes my 100% is not as much as my spouse's and vice versa. Sometimes I feel that I need to carry my husband through whatever trial he is experiencing. Sometimes it has been my husband carrying me through my trials. I am giving my all, but sometimes it is less than at other times. So what is 100%? Only each person and the Lord can truly know. 

How do you react when a spouse is not meeting your needs in the way you wish? 

Instead of viewing it as a personal affront and that your spouse intended to harm, perhaps we can view actions and words in the context that something might be happening under the surface that needs to be addressed. I have found this perspective to be helpful in dealing with my children and with other people, as well. Instead of being quick to be offended, we can be quick to be kind. Perhaps our spouse needs us to carry them for a while so they can work through some things. 

                                           

Here are the three wolves listed in Elder Hafen's talk. 

WOLVES:

• Natural adversity                                                   
• Own imperfections
• Excessive individualism

Have you seen how these wolves have affected marriages? Which one do you think is the most detrimental? How can we overcome these wolves?

Elder Bruce C. Hafen "Covenant Marriage" Ensign November 1996 https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1996/11/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

Redefining Marriage. What's the Big Deal?

                                          
Obergefell v. Hodges (2015). The Supreme Court ruled that it was unconstitutional to forbid marriage to same-sex couples. In one fateful decision marriage was redefined. It is no longer defined "as the union of one man and one woman which forms the foundation of family and of society without which there would be neither civilization nor progress" (Maynard v. Hill, 1888). But what really happened? I remember hearing little bits and pieces and the final verdict. Regrettably, I did not get as involved as I probably should have. Whether you agree with same-sex marriage or not, it is good to know what happened and how it will affect Americans.

 It was interesting to me to learn that this decision was made by five out of nine judges who are not elected into their office and who do not represent a cross-section of Americans. (see note) They are also not supposed to create laws. Their duty is only to tell what the law is, not what it should be. Chief Justice Roberts, Justice Scalia and Justice Thomas said in their dissenting argument (2014), "The majority's decision is an act of will, not legal judgment. The right it announces has no basis in the Constitution or this Court's precedent. The majority expressly disclaims judicial 'caution' and omits even a pretense of humility, openly relying on its desire to remake society according to its own 'new insight' into the 'nature of injustice' (ante at 11, 23). As a result, the court invalidates the marriage laws of more than half the States and orders the transformation of a social institution that has formed the basis of human society for millennia, for the Kalahari Bushmen and the Han Chinese, the Carthaginians and the Aztecs. Just who do we think we are?"

 "I would not 'sweep away what has so long been settled' without showing greater respect for all that preceded us. ...This universal definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is no historical coincidence. Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history-and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of the lifelong relationship."(Ibid.)  I respectfully disagree with the statement that marriage didn't come about from religious doctrine. "WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World", 1995 Paragraph 1.) The point is, our laws were designed so that we as a people could debate and vote on laws according to the dictates of our own conscience. OUR rights were infringed by the Supreme Court ending all debate. "It is demeaning to the democratic process to presume that voters are not capable of deciding an issue of this sensitivity on decent and rational grounds" (Schuette v. BAMN, 2014). 

So what now? How will this affect society and you as an individual? 

1. This decision is reorienting the institution of marriage away from the needs of children toward the desires of adults. (Ryan Anderson, see link below) It is important to note that a group of adults who were raised in same-sex parent homes pleaded with Justice Kenndy to not redefine marriage. Why? "Redefining marriage redefines parenthood. It moves us well beyond our 'live and let live' philosophy into the land where our society promotes a family structure where children will always suffer loss. It will be our policy, stamped and sealed by the most powerful of governmental institutions, that these children will have their right to be known and loved by their mother and/or father stripped from them in every instance. In same-sex-headed households, the desires of the adults trump the rights of the child." (Dear Justice Kennedy: An Open Letter from the Child of a Loving Gay Parent, link below) Mothers are not dispensible. Fathers are not dispensible. We feel a connection to our biological parents no matter what. We yearn to know about them and find out where we came from.   In my own life, even though I had two step-fathers that eventually adopted me, I had some scars of being given up for adoption by my own biological father. I love my adopted father dearly, but I still wanted to know about and have a connection to my biological father.

"Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity" The Family: A Proclamation to the World", 1995 Paragraph 7). This is a child's right. Sonia Manzano, otherwise known as Maria from Sesame Street, stated, "We live in a world where people make-believe that they care about children." Sadly, this is very true.

2. This ruling takes away the principles that have been guiding decisions to form policies that have been created to protect marriage and family. Governments know that marriage and families are the basic unit of society and have been developing policies and programs to support it and protect it. With the redefinition of marriage, those guiding principles are gone. New terms for relationships are forming such as Throuples, wed-lease (not wed-lock) and non-monogamous (Ryan Anderson). One of the arguments used to allow same-sex marriage is "the right to personal choice regarding marriage is inherent in the concept of individual autonomy." (Obergefell v. Hodges, 2015, Opinion of the court) Under this principle, anything should be allowed because whatever one chooses is just an expression of their individual autonomy. Chief Justice Roberts pointed this out. "It is striking how much of the majority’s reasoning would apply with equal force to the claim of a fundamental right to plural marriage. If '[t]here is dignity in the bond between two men or two women who seek to marry and in their autonomy to make such profound choices,' ante, at 13, why would there be any less dignity in the bond between three people who, in exercising their autonomy, seek to make the profound choice to marry?"

"The only way to ensure restraint in this delicate enterprise is 'continual insistence upon respect for the teachings of history, solid recognition of the basic values that underlie our society, and wise appreciation of the great roles [of] the doctrines of federalism and separation of powers.' Griswold v. Connecticut, 381 U. S. 479, 501 (1965) (Harlan, J., concurring in judgment)." (Obergefell v. Hodges, 2015, Chief Justice Roberts dissenting arguments)

3. Our liberties are going to be taken away. Our freedom of religion, which is a legitimate right guaranteed by the Constitution rather than an assumed right, is already under attack. People are being coerced into recognizing same-sex marriage even if it goes against their own personal beliefs. This is violating the rights of individuals who won't agree to take pictures of same-sex couples, who won't make a cake for their wedding ceremony, or who won't perform the wedding ceremony in their place of worship. Now we are being told that we have no rights to choose and same-sex couples have the right to choose whoever they want to take their pictures, make their cake, and perform their ceremony. I did not see these rights stated in our Constitution. The dissenting Justices acknowledged that this decision is going to cause people who are unwilling to assent to be vilified for "doing nothing more than follow[ing] the understanding of marriage that has existed for our entire history" (Chief Justice Roberts ). As Cathy Ruse stated in her remarks during the World Congress of Families IX, government officials are forcing "us to bend the knee at the altar of a foreign god," and we cannot let that happen. 
                                           

• Obergefell v. Hodges 576 https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf
• Note: Justice Scalia's dissenting argument
• "Judges are selected precisely for their skill as lawyers; whether they reflect the policy views of a particular constituency is not (or should not be) relevant. Not surprisingly then, the Federal Judiciary is hardly a cross-section of America. Take, for example, this Court, which consists of only nine men and women, all of them successful lawyers who studied at Harvard or Yale Law School. Four of the nine are natives of New York City. Eight of them grew up in east- and west-coast States. Only one hails from the vast expanse in-between. Not a single Southwesterner or even, to tell the truth, a genuine Westerner (California does not count). Not a single evangelical Christian (a group that comprises about one quarter of Americans), or even a Protestant of any denomination. The strikingly unrepresentative character of the body voting on today’s social upheaval would be irrelevant if they were functioning as judges, answering the legal question whether the American people had ever ratified a constitutional provision that was understood to proscribe the traditional definition of marriage. But of course the Justices in today’s majority are not voting on that basis; they say they are not. And to allow the policy question of same-sex marriage to be considered and resolved by a select, patrician, highly unrepresentative panel of nine is to violate a principle even more fundamental than no taxation without representation: no social transformation without representation."

• Ryan Anderson testifies before the Indiana House Judiciary Committee  https://www.youtube.com/embed/3TNmKo5KcMY?rel=0
• Dear Justice Kennedy: An Open Letter from the Child of a Loving Gay Parent https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/02/14370/?utm_source=The+Witherspoon+Institute%20utm_campaign=782782f4d4-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN%20utm_medium=email%20utm_term=0_15ce6af37b-782782f4d4-84114781 
• Cathy Ruse remarks, World Congress of Families IX https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVTHhQhFb8M
• Oaks, Dallin H. (2014) Loving Others and Living With Differences   https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/loving-others-and-living-with-differences?lang=eng

Thoughts on Marriage and Divorce

                                            
Marriage. Divorce. What can I say to adequately address these two topics? I grew up in a home where there were multiple marriages and divorces. I had many people, parents, step-siblings, and half-siblings, coming in and out of my life. I know first-hand the havoc that divorce wreaks on families and especially children. Even if a couple thinks they can part ways amicably, there are still short-term and long-term effects. Because of my background, I did not want to ever get married or have children. Yet, I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and know that marriage is more than a social convenience. "The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995, paragraph 7, emphasis added).

I know there are some cases where divorce must happen. President Dallin H. Oaks acknowledges this in a talk he gave in April 2007 called " Divorce." President James E. Faust clarified, stating, "I confess I do not claim the wisdom or authority to definitively state what is 'just cause.' Only the parties to the marriage can determine this. They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follow if these covenants are not honored. In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being" (Faust, James E., "Father, Come Home" April 1993)

At my age, I am seeing many of my friends and acquaintances getting divorced for a myriad of reasons. It is not my place to judge. However, I have also seen some marriages that have overcome seemingly impossible odds. President Oaks advised, "for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce, but repentance" ("Divorce" 2007).  I have seen a marriage that overcame a spouse's longtime pornography addiction. The wife told me that their marriage is better than ever and she is so happy that she worked with her husband as he repented and changed. I have seen a marriage overcome infidelity. I have seen a marriage that is overcoming a spouse's same-gender attraction. The husband is aware of it and they work together to make their marriage work. So what helps these couples overcome where others fail?

President Oaks summed it up perfectly. "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection" (April 2007, "Divorce")  I used to fear marriage because I felt like I had to find "THE ONE", the perfect man that was destined for me or there would be no happily ever after. (Thanks, Hollywood. That is a lot of pressure.) I have since learned that there isn't one perfect person for me. This statement helps me see that I could have married any decent man and made my marriage work, as long as my spouse was willing to work on it, too. The goal is to find someone you can grow WITH toward perfection. It is all about growth.

When my husband proposed to me, I flat out told him, "Divorce is not an option." It became our motto and helped change our perspective on the challenges we've faced. This perspective and a growth-mindset are what young couples entering into marriage need. Sometimes couples plan and work their whole life to prepare for their marriage and then think that they have it made, that life will be easier now that they've found their companion. But THIS is where the real journey begins. Marriage is the vehicle that is going to help you and your spouse become who the Lord needs and wants and sacrificed for you to become. It doesn't just happen, though. It takes work and sacrifice, prayer and forgiveness and even some tears, but this is hopefully sprinkled throughout all the joyful moments.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught: "Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage...means sacrificing, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but it also means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all" (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball (2006), 194)

                                                    
Thankfully, I found someone who is as committed to making our marriage work as I am. We have grown so much over the last 23 years and are working to become one. "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24) "Wherefore, it is lawful that he should have one wife, and they twain shall be one flesh, and all this that the earth might answer the end of its creation;" (D&C 49:16)

Kris

The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995 https://www.lds.org/study/manual/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng
Oaks, Dallin H. (April 2007) "Divorce" General Conference https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng
Faust, James E. (April 1993) "Father, Come Home" https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/04/father-come-home?lang=eng