Marriage. Divorce. What can I say to adequately address these two topics? I grew up in a home where there were multiple marriages and divorces. I had many people, parents, step-siblings, and half-siblings, coming in and out of my life. I know first-hand the havoc that divorce wreaks on families and especially children. Even if a couple thinks they can part ways amicably, there are still short-term and long-term effects. Because of my background, I did not want to ever get married or have children. Yet, I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and know that marriage is more than a social convenience. "The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995, paragraph 7, emphasis added).
I know there are some cases where divorce must happen. President Dallin H. Oaks acknowledges this in a talk he gave in April 2007 called " Divorce." President James E. Faust clarified, stating, "I confess I do not claim the wisdom or authority to definitively state what is 'just cause.' Only the parties to the marriage can determine this. They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follow if these covenants are not honored. In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being" (Faust, James E., "Father, Come Home" April 1993)
At my age, I am seeing many of my friends and acquaintances getting divorced for a myriad of reasons. It is not my place to judge. However, I have also seen some marriages that have overcome seemingly impossible odds. President Oaks advised, "for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce, but repentance" ("Divorce" 2007). I have seen a marriage that overcame a spouse's longtime pornography addiction. The wife told me that their marriage is better than ever and she is so happy that she worked with her husband as he repented and changed. I have seen a marriage overcome infidelity. I have seen a marriage that is overcoming a spouse's same-gender attraction. The husband is aware of it and they work together to make their marriage work. So what helps these couples overcome where others fail?
President Oaks summed it up perfectly. "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection" (April 2007, "Divorce") I used to fear marriage because I felt like I had to find "THE ONE", the perfect man that was destined for me or there would be no happily ever after. (Thanks, Hollywood. That is a lot of pressure.) I have since learned that there isn't one perfect person for me. This statement helps me see that I could have married any decent man and made my marriage work, as long as my spouse was willing to work on it, too. The goal is to find someone you can grow WITH toward perfection. It is all about growth.
When my husband proposed to me, I flat out told him, "Divorce is not an option." It became our motto and helped change our perspective on the challenges we've faced. This perspective and a growth-mindset are what young couples entering into marriage need. Sometimes couples plan and work their whole life to prepare for their marriage and then think that they have it made, that life will be easier now that they've found their companion. But THIS is where the real journey begins. Marriage is the vehicle that is going to help you and your spouse become who the Lord needs and wants and sacrificed for you to become. It doesn't just happen, though. It takes work and sacrifice, prayer and forgiveness and even some tears, but this is hopefully sprinkled throughout all the joyful moments.
President Spencer W. Kimball taught: "Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage...means sacrificing, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but it also means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all" (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball (2006), 194)
Thankfully, I found someone who is as committed to making our marriage work as I am. We have grown so much over the last 23 years and are working to become one. "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24) "Wherefore, it is lawful that he should have one wife, and they twain shall be one flesh, and all this that the earth might answer the end of its creation;" (D&C 49:16)
Kris
Oaks, Dallin H. (April 2007) "Divorce" General Conference https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng
Faust, James E. (April 1993) "Father, Come Home" https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/04/father-come-home?lang=eng
I like the thought that we don't "fall" in love as though it's accidental.... rather as you illustrated we GROW into love. There is a cultural idea that if a couple is sealed in the temple they have an "eternal marriage" when it actually just gives them the vehicle to obtain it. Nothing is guaranteed until the holy Spirit of Promise seals the marriage. Truth is...some not achieve it even though they walked through the temple doors. It can only work if the Lord is part of it and both people want to make it work with EACH OTHER. If that love and respect isn't there in life, it won't suddenly some in the resurrection.
ReplyDelete